Category Archives: Humor
If You Have an Angry Moment (or two)…
Whenever I’m feeling a bit stressed or overwhelmed with circumstances beyond my control, I recall the following Zen parable.
You are at the grand opening of a new shopping mall on the edge of town. You’ve been driving around looking for a parking space for ten minutes. At last, right in front of you, a car pulls out of a spot. You hit your turn signal and wait as the car backs out. Suddenly, from the other direction, comes a Jeep that pulls into the space. Not only that, but when you honk, the driver gets out, smirks, and gives you the finger.
Are you angry?
Now change the scene ever so slightly. Instead of a brash Jeep driver, a cow walks into the space from the other direction and settles down in the middle of it. When you honk, she looks up and moos but doesn’t budge.
Are you angry?
Source: The Cow in the Parking Lot: A Zen Approach to Overcoming Anger by Leonard Scheff and Susan Edmiston (Amazon link)
Mermaid Humor
While fishing, three men catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish.
The first man shakes his head and says, “Okay, if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ.”
The mermaid says, “Done.”
Suddenly, the man starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly.
The second man is so amazed, he says to the mermaid, “Triple my IQ.”
The mermaid says, “Done.”
The man starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping the scientists.
Impressed, the third man decides to one-up his friends. “Quintuple my IQ.”
The mermaid looks at him and says, “You know, I don’t usually try to change people’s minds when they make a wish, but I really wish that you would reconsider.”
The man is adamant. “No, I want you to increase my IQ times five, and if you don’t do it, I won’t set you free.”
“Please,” says the mermaid, “You don’t understand what you’re asking, it will change your entire view on the universe. Won’t you ask for something else….a million dollars, anything?”
But no matter what the mermaid said, the third man insisted on having his IQ increased by five times its usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said, “Done.”
And the third man is transformed into a woman.
Clean Jokes for Toastmasters
Use one of these jokes at your next meeting.
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A couple walked into a dentist’s office. The man said, “Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry. I have my buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to play golf, so forget about the anesthetic. I don’t have time for the gums to get numb. Just pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10 a.m. tee time at the best course in town and it’s already 9:30. I don’t have time for the anesthetic to work.”
The dentist wondered about this brave man who wanted to have his tooth pulled without anytime to kill the pain. He asked, “Which tooth is it?”
The man turned to his wife. “Open your mouth and show him.”
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A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. He called out: “Mama, look what I found.”
“What have you got there, dear?”
With astonishment in his voice, the boy answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”
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A Scottish mother visits her son in his New York City apartment and asks, “How do you find the Americans, Donald?”
“Mother,” says Donald, “they’re such noisy people. One neighbor won’t stop banging his head against the wall while the other screams all night long.”
“Oh, Donald! How do you put up with them?”
“What can I do? I just lie in bed quietly, playing my bagpipes.”
Mermaid Humor
The Secret to Serenity
When I received this Zen parable in an email attachment, I couldn’t resist a smile. And I knew I had to share it.
Enjoy!
A harried Type A businessman went to a yogi, high on the top of a hill.
“They say you have the secret to serenity,” the businessman puffed, mopping at his brow. “I have high blood pressure, I am stressed beyond belief, and I am at the end of my rope. Teach me the secret.”
The yogi smiled beatifically (as yogis tend to do.) He then rummaged around and presented the man with a large bottle. Inside the bottle was a live duck, swimming placidly in the water trapped inside.
“This will teach you,” the yogi said. “Get the duck out of the bottle, without breaking the bottle, or killing the duck.”
The businessman was baffled, but he’d faced tough challenges before. Swearing to have it solved in two weeks, he took the bottle and went about solving the problem.
In two weeks, he returned, looking more frazzled than before. “There has to be some trick,” he groused. “This is impossible. There has to be a cheat or something.”
The yogi simply smiled, then told him to come back in two weeks.
In another two weeks, the man looked half insane. His eyes were bulging, his clothes were unkempt, and he was furious. “I am going to smash this bottle and wring the duck’s neck if you don’t tell me how to get it out!”
The yogi simply smiled, and told him again: Come back in two weeks.
Another two weeks, and the man returned. This time, he was the picture of calm.
“I figured it out,” he said. “The secret to serenity. I finally got it.”
He then handed the intact bottle to the yogi, with the duck still swimming inside.
He grinned. “It’s not my bottle. And it’s not my duck.”
Clean Jokes for Toastmasters
Use one of these jokes at your next meeting.
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On his deathbed, a miser asked to be alone with his lawyer, doctor, and priest. “I know I am going to die,” he said. “I would like to take my money with me, so I am going to give each of you $150,000. I want you to each make sure the money gets in the coffin.”
On the day after the funeral, the guilt-stricken priest confided he only put $100,000 in the coffin.
“I’m glad you brought it up” said the doctor, “because I’ve also been feeling guilty. I only put $80,000 back.”
“You people should be ashamed of yourselves,” stormed the lawyer. “Am I the only honest person here?” He pulled out his check book. “Look here. I wrote out a check for the full $150,000!”
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Harry walked over to the Priest after services, “You know Father, I am really stuck in a quandary. I would like to attend church next week but I just can’t miss the big game.”
“Oh Harry!” said the Priest as he put his arm around Harry. “That’s what recorders are for.”
Harry’s face lit up. “You mean I could record your sermon?”
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After sending their son Paul away to college, Susan and Joe would receive regular requests for money. After one late-night call, Joe agreed to send some money. Before hanging up, he added, “I notice that you left your Physics book here. Should I send it?”
“Uh, oh yeah, OK,” Paul responded.
Several days later, Susan discovered that Joe had sent $1100 and started to reprimand him.
Joe shook his head and smiled. “Don’t worry, I taped a $100 check on the cover of the Physics book and a $1000 check inside the cover.”
Fun Friday
Clean Jokes for Toastmasters
Use one of these jokes at your next meeting.
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A man walks into a nearly empty bar and orders a drink. After a few minutes he hears a voice say “Nice shirt.” He looks around, sees no one near him, and goes back to his drink.
A short while later he hears the same voice saying, out of nowhere, “I like your hair.”
Truly perplexed, he calls the bartender over and asks, “Where is that voice coming from?”
The bartender says, “It’s the nuts.”
“The nuts?” replies the man.
“Yes,” says the bartender. “They’re complimentary.”
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A man goes to a bar and asks the bartender for three glasses of beer. He gets his three glasses of beer and sits down. He takes a sip from one glass, puts it down. He takes a sip from the second glass and puts it down, then takes a sip from the third glass and puts it down.
He carries on drinking like this, taking a sip from each glass in turn. When he’s finished he goes to the bartender and asks for refills.
The bartender asks him why he takes three glasses at a time, because he could serve him one at a time, that way the beer would stay cold and wouldn’t go flat.
The man tells him: “I have two brothers, and we used to enjoy drinking together, but now they’ve moved away, I like to remember the good times we had by drinking three glasses of beer at a time. I drink one glass for myself, and one for each brother.
The bartender, and all the regulars in the bar get it, and are used to seeing the man come in and drink three glasses of beer.
One day the man comes into the bar with a sad look on his face. He orders two glasses of beer, and proceeds to drink from the two glasses, taking a sip from one, putting it down, then taking a sip from the other.
When he’s finished he goes to the bartender and asks for refills. The bartender has noticed he’s drinking two glasses and summons the courage to say how sorry he is for the loss of a brother.
“My condolences are with you,” says the bartender, “is there anything I can do?”
The man thinks for a moment, then understands. “No, no, no, my brothers are alive and are doing fine,” says the man.”It’s just I’ve been to my doctor, he says I’ve got a medical condition, and I’ve had to give up alcohol.”
Fun Friday
Joanne Guidoccio 