How to Quit Complaining

On Wednesdays, I share posts, fables, songs, poems, quotations, TEDx Talks, cartoons, and books that have inspired and motivated me on my writing journey. I hope these posts will give writers, artists, and other creatives a mid-week boost.

In a recent newsletter, Happiness Professor and New York Times bestselling author Arthur Brooks shared the following advice:

Complaining is the act of expressing your dissatisfaction or annoyance. According to psychological theory, it is a fairly complex process that follows at least five steps, starting with a focus on your own desires. Next, you detect a discrepancy between what you want and what you are experiencing. This leads to negative feelings. Then, you judge the utility of complaining. If it seems worthwhile to you, you let rip; if it doesn’t, you keep the complaint to yourself.

The problem with all of this kvetching is that while it can feel therapeutic, it typically isn’t. Although complaining might offer temporary relief, it’s bad for your happiness in the long run. For example, in one 2009 study, Polish researchers measured people’s mood before and after they complained, and found that the complainers’ mood significantly deteriorated. Other scholars have shown that people who share negative emotions on social media—a very prevalent type of complaining today—experience lower levels of well-being.

Much more likely is that it will be in your interest, if you have a complaining habit, to break it. The people you care about will be happier too. Here are four research-based ways to quit complaining.

Judge less, observe more. Complaining is a fundamentally egotistical act—subjecting something about the world to your judgment. Tomorrow, try to reframe what were today’s minor irritations as simple events. For example, instead of grumbling about someone who cuts you off in traffic, simply observe that the person is obviously in a hurry.

Consider the underlying problem. If you have a habit of complaining, you could find it worthwhile to dig into why you’re so often going over your dissatisfaction threshold. For my own part, I’ve noticed that when something big is disturbing me, I also get impatient about all the little things I don’t like. Perhaps if you deal with what is really bothering you, you’ll find that the weather and politics aren’t really worth complaining about.

Avoid the grumblers. One reason you complain a lot might be that you keep negative company, online or in person. Curate your personal life to the extent that you can, and turn off the complaint machines in your media. Remember, your misery is their fuel.

Be a Stoic. The Stoics, such as Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius, managed their feelings about life’s trials through reason. So when you are about to complain, subject your complaint to the Stoic test: Can you do something about the situation? If not, then complaining won’t help. If you can, then get on with life.

Sign up to receive Professor Brooks’ weekly newsletter here.

The Whys We Need to Ask

On Wednesdays, I share posts, fables, songs, poems, quotations, TEDx Talks, cartoons, and books that have inspired and motivated me on my writing journey. I hope these posts will give writers, artists, and other creatives a mid-week boost.

In a recent post on the Writer Unboxed blog, author Kathleen McCleary shared the importance of the one-word question “Why?”

Years ago, in my other life as a journalist, I interviewed Michael Jordan for a cover story for the magazine I worked for at the time. At the peak of his fame, shortly after his father was murdered, Jordan had quit basketball to try playing baseball. When I interviewed him, he had just made the sudden and surprising decision to return to basketball.

I had 30 minutes to interview Jordan and I was nervous and he was polite but not too excited or exciting. Desperate for something different from him, I said, “I read that Ghost is your favorite movie. Why?”

Suddenly, he came to life. He sat up and leaned forward, and really looked at me. “Because I’ve always believed that after we die, we come back to watch over and protect the people we love,” he said. “And since my father died, I’ve felt him watching over me. And the whole reason I decided to leave baseball and come back to basketball is because that’s what my father is telling me to do. Right now.”

It was an incredible moment, the story made news, my editor was happy, and I understood on a gut level the huge importance of the one-word question “Why?”

And as I’m embarking on writing my fifth novel, I remind myself every day that I need to keep asking “WHY?” You know the important basic questions about story: What does my character want? What’s my character’s flaw? How does this flaw affect my character’s life and world? What does my character need? We all have to do that work. But for me, “Why?” is the key.

I got the idea for this new novel, my fifth, almost a year ago. It was an interesting idea with a hint of magical realism and I felt intrigued but I wasn’t inspired to actually start jotting down ideas or scenes. Then recently, while hiking in Ireland, I was thinking about why it would matter that this magical thing happened, and suddenly I had an answer and a reason for the book to exist. It changed everything for me. So, whether you’re just starting out or deep into your twenty-seventh book, here are some Whys to remember:

The obvious Whys. These are the questions about character, motivation, and plot that are crucial for our own understanding of our stories. Why is my character making this choice? Why can’t my character change? Why does my character want this thing that she wants so badly? Why can’t she get it? Why does it matter? You know these. Come back to them again and again. Sometimes the answers change as you get deeper into your story.

The Whys we need to ask our characters. These are questions that help you get to know your characters in the same way you get to know someone new you meet, or get to know a friend better. I teach English to immigrants and we often talk about how to have a good conversation, or how to keep a conversation going. And one of the keys to having a great conversation is being genuinely curious about the person you’re talking to. If they mention that they’re afraid of snakes, finding out why could be interesting. If they always wanted to be a doctor but became a carpenter instead, that’s a potentially fascinating why to unearth. Ask your character: “Why does that particular thing/event/person frighten you? Why do you love trees/knitting/movies so much? Why is your daughter named Jeannie?” It’s the stories behind the details that give a fictional world its realism and believability.

The Whys we need to ask ourselves. “Why does it matter to me to tell this story? Why do I need to tell it now?” Knowing the reasons that we need to write and why it matters to do it at a certain point of time in our lives is important. I have written entire novels because I was compelled to write, because it was the only way I could process difficult events or feelings in my life. Writing them out in fiction was a way to get through. I’ve also written novels for the pure enjoyment or challenge of writing. Yet another important Why to ask ourselves is “Why I am struggling to write this story?” The answer to that speaks volumes, too, and may tell us it’s time to change direction, dig deeper, or, hard as it is, put a story aside.

Source: WriterUnboxed


The Heart of a Finisher

On Wednesdays, I share posts, fables, songs, poems, quotations, TEDx Talks, cartoons, and books that have inspired and motivated me on my writing journey. I hope these posts will give writers, artists, and other creatives a mid-week boost.

Here’s a thought-provoking reflection from international speaker and bestselling author Joyce Meyer:

It is important for everyone to have the heart of a finisher, but I believe it is especially important for God’s children. After all, we represent Him, and He always finishes what He starts.

Is there anything in your life that you are tempted to give up on? If there is, I am asking you to reconsider. In your quiet time with God, pray and ask if He wants you to give up, and unless you are sure that He does, I recommend that you press on.

The only reason we should ever give up is if we realize somewhere along the way that we are not doing what God wants us to do. Don’t let the fear of circumstances or the weariness of passing time cause you to give up. You might be tired of waiting, but pressing forward is much better than going back.

Source: Quiet Times with God by Joyce Meyer

Choose to be a Work In Progress

On Wednesdays, I share posts, fables, songs, poems, quotations, TEDx Talks, cartoons, and books that have inspired and motivated me on my writing journey. I hope these posts will give writers, artists, and other creatives a mid-week boost.

A long-time fan of bestselling authors and coaches Marc and Angel Chernoff, I look forward to reading their emails and blog posts. Here’s an excerpt from a recent post:

I don’t entirely approve of some of the things I’ve done in my life, but I am who I am. And I would not be me if I hadn’t learned along the way. The same is true for you. We are all works in progress! So don’t be ashamed of who you had to be to get to where you are today. Forgive yourself for those times when you lacked clarity, for those foolish decisions you made that caused needless stress. Forgive yourself for being human, young, and reckless. Your journey has many vital lessons. What matters most now is your willingness to grow from them.

And isn’t it wild how we often outgrow what we once thought we couldn’t live without, and then we fall in love with what we didn’t even know we wanted? Life keeps leading us down worthwhile paths we would never travel if it were up to us. Don’t be afraid. Have faith — trust the journey. Continue to be a work in progress, and celebrate the fact that you are!

The trick I have found is to embrace life today. Be right where you are. That’s where your power is. There’s a time and place for everything, and every step is necessary. Just keep doing your best, and don’t force what’s not yet supposed to fit into your life. When it’s meant to be, it will be. You’ve come a long way already, and you’re still learning and growing.

Note: I highly recommend subscribing to Marc & Angel’s website.

Now You Do

On Wednesdays, I share posts, fables, songs, poems, quotations, TEDx Talks, cartoons, and books that have inspired and motivated me on my writing journey. I hope these posts will give writers, artists, and other creatives a mid-week boost.

Here’s a thought-provoking poem from Donna Ashworth:

Now You Do

You don’t have to defend the old you
you didn’t know then
now you do
you did what you could
with what you had
at the time

and as with all things in life
you evolved
you’ve grown

if you find yourself
trying in vain to defend the old you
to argue on her behalf
please stop
you don’t have to do that

she was someone
you parted ways with
gracefully
but after much suffering

if anyone in your life
cannot do the same
that’s their issue

it’s their job to catch up
not your job to go back

you don’t have to defend the old you
you didn’t know then
now you do.

Sameness Is Not Sustainability

On Wednesdays, I share posts, fables, songs, poems, quotations, TEDx Talks, cartoons, and books that have inspired and motivated me on my writing journey. I hope these posts will give writers, artists, and other creatives a mid-week boost.

In a recent post on the Writer Unboxed blog, writer/photographer Kelsey Allagood shared the following insights:

We writers talk a lot about sustainability. About how to not burn out, how to protect the work, how to make space for our creative selves while also having to pay rent and answer emails. We talk less about how dynamic that process actually is. Sometimes I catch myself thinking that sustainability is a state I can achieve, or an end goal, like once I’ve figured out my morning routine or my word count goal or my relationship to social media, I can then stay there. I will have achieved it: the State of Balance™.

Unfortunately, the writing life (mine, at least) has never been still. We get jobs. We lose jobs. A family member moves in. A season shifts. Our relationship to the work shifts—sometimes we’re deep inside it and sometimes we’re circling it from the outside like maybe we’ve forgotten what it’s for. And maybe the balance we worked so hard to build a year ago might not even be the right balance for who we are now.

What I’ve had to learn, repeatedly, is that the adjustments themselves are the practice. Noticing that the work has gone quiet and turning toward it again without self-recrimination (personally, this is the hardest). Or noticing that I’ve been in production mode for so long that I’ve stopped reading, stopped dreaming, stopped absorbing anything, and choosing to open a window. Noticing that I’ve been waiting for inspiration and actually what I need to do is just sit down. These are micro-corrections. They’re so small that sometimes I don’t recognize them as acts of craft.

But they are. They’re the same intelligence that keeps us upright on one leg.

I don’t think we master balance in our writing lives any more than we can master tree pose. I certainly haven’t mastered either. What I’ve gotten better at—slowly, inconsistently, much like my yoga practice—is recognizing when I’m starting to tip. Making the adjustment a little faster. Stopping expecting the stillness to last and starting to trust that I can find it again, not because I’m stable, but because I’ve practiced returning.

I keep coming back to yoga the way I keep coming back to writing. Not because I’ve gotten good at it. Because every time I come back, I remember what it feels like to be in the body I actually have, in the life I’m actually living, making the small corrections that keep me here.

Source: Writer Unboxed

The Uniqueness of You

On Wednesdays, I share posts, fables, songs, poems, quotations, TEDx Talks, cartoons, and books that have inspired and motivated me on my writing journey. I hope these posts will give writers, artists, and other creatives a mid-week boost.

Here’s a thought-provoking reflection from international speaker and bestselling author Joyce Meyer:

Nothing good comes from comparing yourself to someone else—trying to imitate, compete with, or outdo others. The more you compare your life to that of those around you, the less you’ll enjoy the life God has given you.

God didn’t create you to be like someone else. He created you to be unique and special, so why would you try to be anything other than who you are?

You are handcrafted—fearfully and wonderfully made. God has specially and uniquely qualified you to do something no one else can do. Stay encouraged. God has something special planned for your future. Resist the temptation to compare yourself to other people. Trust God and allow Him to use you in ways that are unique to you.

Source: Quiet Times with God by Joyce Meyer

On Letting Go

On Wednesdays, I share posts, fables, songs, poems, quotations, TEDx Talks, cartoons, and books that have inspired and motivated me on my writing journey. I hope these posts will give writers, artists, and other creatives a mid-week boost.

A long-time fan of bestselling authors and coaches Marc and Angel Chernoff, I look forward to reading their emails and blog posts. Here’s an excerpt from a recent post:

A big part of practicing letting go is gradually renewing your own faith in yourself. This “renewed faith” means finding the willingness to live with uncertainty, to feel your way through each day, to let your intuition guide you like a flashlight in the dark. It’s about standing firmly on your own two legs in the present, without the crutches you’ve been holding on to, and gradually taking small steps forward.

You are strong enough to take those steps!

You’ve got this!

So what if, for today, you choose to believe that you have enough and you are enough in each and every moment? What if, for today, you choose to believe that you are strong enough to move forward one step at a time? What if, for today, you choose to accept people exactly as they are, and life exactly as it is? What if, as the sun sets on today, you choose to let go and celebrate your daily progress? And what if, tomorrow, you choose to do it all over again?

Practice making those choices…

Practice letting go and renewing the faith you once had in both yourself and the world around you.

Note: I highly recommend subscribing to Marc & Angel’s website.

Anything is Possible

On Wednesdays, I share posts, fables, songs, poems, quotations, TEDx Talks, cartoons, and books that have inspired and motivated me on my writing journey. I hope these posts will give writers, artists, and other creatives a mid-week boost.

Award-winning author Greer Macallister shared the following inspirational post on the Writer Unboxed blog:

You can do anything. You can write a book. You can get an agent, if that’s what you want, a real powerhouse. You can get a great advance. You can click with your editor in a life-changing way. You can emerge from the editing process with a beautiful book, a wonderful book, a book readers will love. You can write a bestseller. Then you can write another one, a second book that readers embrace just as warmly as the first. You can do this over and over. You can be a career writer for the rest of your life.

Is it hard to believe statements like this? Impossible? Well, in some cases, of course it is. Things like selling thousands of copies aren’t truly within our control. When I say “anything is possible,” I don’t mean it literally.

But I want you to believe it, for yourself, just for a while.

Writers seeking publication go through so many tough times. The “query trenches” can be so disheartening, so full of rejection. Once you’ve published a book, things aren’t much better: you still spend so much time worrying about whether your book will be well-received, and even if it is, the chance for disappointment with your second book is right around the corner.

The world will tell you that you can’t have the dream you want. Writing your book will be demoralizing, slow, rocky, or worse. Life will get in the way. Agents will reject you. You will have disappointing experiences with editors or other people important to your process. Your life’s work may be met with either a sea of negative reviews or resounding silence. Copies of your book will sit unpurchased. The odds are against you at the beginning, in the middle, the whole way through.

More than likely, you will hear, over and over, that what you want is impossible.

So, for a while, don’t listen.

Try the exercise. Tune out the voices saying that you can’t and tune in to your own voice telling you that you can.

Believe that you can make it happen. Believe that your mind is capable of a masterpiece. Believe that your book will find a grateful waiting audience. Believe that rejection is temporary, because it is. Believe that no one can stop you but you. Believe that your work deserves publication as much as anyone else’s. Believe that your idea will rise above the fray. Believe that a world is waiting for you, a community of writers, that will welcome and celebrate you as one of their own. Believe that no matter what obstacles life throws your way, you will persevere, pushing forward again and again to pursue your ultimate goal.

Believe that anything is possible.

How does that feel?

Source: Writer Unboxed

The Sprinter and the Long-Distance Runner

On Wednesdays, I share posts, fables, songs, poems, quotations, TEDx Talks, cartoons, and books that have inspired and motivated me on my writing journey. I hope these posts will give writers, artists, and other creatives a mid-week boost.

Here’s a thought-provoking essay from Chellie Campbell’s book, The Wealthy Spirit.

The sprinter runs at top speed, with an all-out burst of energy, heart pounding and legs pumping to beat the wind to the finish line. Exhausted, lungs bursting at the end, the racer collapses and rests. He will sprint again. Later.

The long-distance runner cannot sprint—the course is too long. He must learn a different set of skills; he must know how to pace himself, to select those moments in which to push harder and faster, when to ease into the regular run for maintenance.

Life is not a sprint. It is a long-distance race.

Too many people are pushing themselves at top sprinting speed every day, every week, year after year. They don’t pace themselves. They don’t take a break to recover after a big push to meet a deadline—instead a new deadline takes its place and a new sprint begins. The project gets finished but another project stands urgently behind that one. And another. And another. The sales quota, when met, gets raised. Like a meal rushed to its conclusion, the achievement is gulped untasted. Burnout of mind and body arrives after too many sprints in a row.

When was your last vacation? When was your last three-day weekend? What day of the week is your “Do Nothing Day”?

Are you trying to sprint long distance?

Source: The Wealthy Spirit, p. 251.