Clean Jokes for Toastmasters


Use one of these jokes at your next meeting.


A man walks into a nearly empty bar and orders a drink. After a few minutes he hears a voice say “Nice shirt.” He looks around, sees no one near him, and goes back to his drink.

A short while later he hears the same voice saying, out of nowhere, “I like your hair.”

Truly perplexed, he calls the bartender over and asks, “Where is that voice coming from?”

The bartender says, “It’s the nuts.”

“The nuts?” replies the man.

“Yes,” says the bartender. “They’re complimentary.”


A man goes to a bar and asks the bartender for three glasses of beer. He gets his three glasses of beer and sits down. He takes a sip from one glass, puts it down. He takes a sip from the second glass and puts it down, then takes a sip from the third glass and puts it down.

He carries on drinking like this, taking a sip from each glass in turn. When he’s finished he goes to the bartender and asks for refills.
The bartender asks him why he takes three glasses at a time, because he could serve him one at a time, that way the beer would stay cold and wouldn’t go flat.

The man tells him: “I have two brothers, and we used to enjoy drinking together, but now they’ve moved away, I like to remember the good times we had by drinking three glasses of beer at a time. I drink one glass for myself, and one for each brother.

The bartender, and all the regulars in the bar get it, and are used to seeing the man come in and drink three glasses of beer.

One day the man comes into the bar with a sad look on his face. He orders two glasses of beer, and proceeds to drink from the two glasses, taking a sip from one, putting it down, then taking a sip from the other.

When he’s finished he goes to the bartender and asks for refills. The bartender has noticed he’s drinking two glasses and summons the courage to say how sorry he is for the loss of a brother.

“My condolences are with you,” says the bartender, “is there anything I can do?”

The man thinks for a moment, then understands. “No, no, no, my brothers are alive and are doing fine,” says the man.”It’s just I’ve been to my doctor, he says I’ve got a medical condition, and I’ve had to give up alcohol.”


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