Use one of these jokes at your next meeting.

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A man walks into a nearly empty bar and orders a drink. After a few minutes he hears a voice say “Nice shirt.” He looks around, sees no one near him, and goes back to his drink.

A short while later he hears the same voice saying, out of nowhere, “I like your hair.”

Truly perplexed, he calls the bartender over and asks, “Where is that voice coming from?”

The bartender says, “It’s the nuts.”

“The nuts?” replies the man.

“Yes,” says the bartender. “They’re complimentary.”

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A man goes to a bar and asks the bartender for three glasses of beer. He gets his three glasses of beer and sits down. He takes a sip from one glass, puts it down. He takes a sip from the second glass and puts it down, then takes a sip from the third glass and puts it down.

He carries on drinking like this, taking a sip from each glass in turn. When he’s finished he goes to the bartender and asks for refills.
The bartender asks him why he takes three glasses at a time, because he could serve him one at a time, that way the beer would stay cold and wouldn’t go flat.

The man tells him: “I have two brothers, and we used to enjoy drinking together, but now they’ve moved away, I like to remember the good times we had by drinking three glasses of beer at a time. I drink one glass for myself, and one for each brother.

The bartender, and all the regulars in the bar get it, and are used to seeing the man come in and drink three glasses of beer.

One day the man comes into the bar with a sad look on his face. He orders two glasses of beer, and proceeds to drink from the two glasses, taking a sip from one, putting it down, then taking a sip from the other.

When he’s finished he goes to the bartender and asks for refills. The bartender has noticed he’s drinking two glasses and summons the courage to say how sorry he is for the loss of a brother.

“My condolences are with you,” says the bartender, “is there anything I can do?”

The man thinks for a moment, then understands. “No, no, no, my brothers are alive and are doing fine,” says the man.”It’s just I’ve been to my doctor, he says I’ve got a medical condition, and I’ve had to give up alcohol.”

Use one of these jokes at your next meeting.

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A man and a woman had been married for more than sixty years. During that time, they had shared almost everything; the woman had a shoe box that was off limits to her husband.

For years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. While sorting out their affairs, the man took the shoe box to his wife’s bedside.

She agreed it was time to share the contents of the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.

“When we were to be married,” she said, “my grandmother shared the secret of a happy marriage – never argue. She advised me to keep quiet and crochet a doll whenever I got angry.”

The man fought back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him twice in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

“Honey,” he said “that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?”

“Oh, that?” she said. “That’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”

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Frustrated, a woman asked her doctor for advice. “My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep. Is there anything I can give him to cure this problem?

The doctor replied, “Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake.”

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An airline company introduced a special package for businessmen: Buy your ticket and get your wife’s ticket free. Pleased with the overwhelming response, the company’s executives sent letters to all the wives, asking for their feedback.

All of the women gave the same response: “What trip?”

Use one of these jokes at your next meeting.

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An IT professional was playing a round of golf. Suddenly his ball sliced and landed in a shallow pond. As he was attempting to retrieve the ball he discovered a frog who, to his great surprise, started to speak! “Kiss me, and I will change into a beautiful princess, and I will be yours for a week.”

He picked up the frog and placed it in his pocket. As he continued to play golf, the frog repeated its message. “Kiss me, and I will change into a beautiful princess, and I will be yours for a whole month!”

The man continued to play his golf game and once again the frog spoke out. “Kiss me, and I will change into a beautiful princess, and I will be yours for a whole year!”

Finally, the guy turned to the frog and exclaimed, “As an IT professional, I’d rather have a talking frog!”

Source: Creekside TD Toastmasters

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An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death’s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. “Stay out of those, she said, they’re for the funeral!”

Source: Creekside TD Toastmasters

Use one of these jokes at your next meeting.

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When my husband got pulled over by a policeman on a trip in Switzerland, he wondered what the trouble was.

“Didn’t you notice the flash from the speed-control camera?” asked the officer.

“Ah, that’s what it was,” said my husband, unaccustomed to this technology. “I thought it was a lightning strike.”

“Well,” said the officer before handing him a ticket with a hefty fine. “Here comes the thunder.”

Source: Ursula Helfer, Reader’s Digest

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As a woman entered the elevator at a hospital, a disheveled-looking man rushed in, carrying a blue baby bootie filled with carnations.

She smiled and asked, “Does he look like you?”

“I hope not,” he said. “I just deliver the flowers.”

Source: Reader’s Digest

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When the waitress at an upscale restaurant brought a patron the soup of the day, he was dismayed. “Good heavens,” he said. “What is this?”

“Why it’s bean soup,” she replied.

“I don’t care where it has been,” he sputtered. “What is it now?”

Source: Reader’s Digest

Use one of these jokes at your next meeting.

A child asked his father, “How were people born?”

His father answered, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”

The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”

His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”

A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”

“I give it to them,” replies the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”

The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.

A dentist told a mother, “I’m sorry madam, but I’ll have to charge you $100 for pulling your boy’s tooth.”

The mother exclaimed, “$100! You said it was only $20!”

“Yes,” replied the dentist, “but he yelled so loudly that he scared four other patients out of the office!”