Clean Jokes for Toastmasters

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Use one of these jokes at your next meeting.

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A man and a woman had been married for more than sixty years. During that time, they had shared almost everything; the woman had a shoe box that was off limits to her husband.

For years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. While sorting out their affairs, the man took the shoe box to his wife’s bedside.

She agreed it was time to share the contents of the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.

“When we were to be married,” she said, “my grandmother shared the secret of a happy marriage – never argue. She advised me to keep quiet and crochet a doll whenever I got angry.”

The man fought back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him twice in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

“Honey,” he said “that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?”

“Oh, that?” she said. “That’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”

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Frustrated, a woman asked her doctor for advice. “My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep. Is there anything I can give him to cure this problem?

The doctor replied, “Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake.”

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An airline company introduced a special package for businessmen: Buy your ticket and get your wife’s ticket free. Pleased with the overwhelming response, the company’s executives sent letters to all the wives, asking for their feedback.

All of the women gave the same response: “What trip?”

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Tackling Table Topics

4667269_sWhen Eleni Hasapis-Chiapetto asked for advice about challenging Table Topics, she received an overwhelming response from the members of The Official Toastmasters International Members Group on LinkedIn.

After offering my own suggestions, I reflected upon the comments from other toastmasters. Impressed and inspired, I decided to share their collective wisdom.

Remember, no one knows what you are going to say, so say what comes to mind. This holds true for speeches as well. Every time we say, “I made a mistake, audience attention moves from what we are saying to wondering what we had planned, hence missing what we really say. Gordon Hill

Just don’t stop… you freeze when your brain devotes too much RAM to what you will say next as opposed to what you are saying now… Just keep talking… the CPU will work out what is coming in 5 or 10 seconds time… Trust your processor… it is only when you doubt yourself and start thinking … “I can’t answer this… I have no idea what to say next ” and that becomes the most important thing to process so you stop talking and start processing that… That then becomes a self fulfilling prophecy…Remember the most important thing is to remember the acronym… R.A.T…. Relax Attack Talk. Rod Neucom

Be easy on your self and your expectations. A past world champion of public speaking came from my home club years before I joined. When he attended the next meeting after his win, he froze during Table Topics. If it can happen to a brand new champ, it can happen to anyone. The point is to do your best, laugh, and get psyched up for the next time. Steve Piet

Over time I’ve learned that it’s best to take a few minutes to think about the question or topic before speaking. There is no rule about taking time. There have been times where I have volunteered to speak and freeze up. At that moment, I “re-do” my answer or try to finish my thought as best as I can and sit down. Everything comes with practice! Jahnavi Utukuri

reframing

Take a deep breath, smile and make eye contact with different members of the audience. Some will smile back at you, encouraging you. This will give you confidence and help you free some stress, while you think of something. Gustavo Espinosa Tavitas

Focus on your topic, I think that’s what works best. When I’ve had an issue with freezing, it is not about what I’m going to say but I’m worried that I look stupid. But here’s the deal: In a Toastmasters meeting everyone is pulling for you in TT and when you give a speech. They don’t care how you look, they don’t care if you do poorly, they are pulling for you to do the very best that you can do. Now I don’t worry as much about how I look, I simply try to do the best that I can. Timothy Elliott

Humm. My advice is to stop and THINK, and then continue. “”Freezing” is usually a brain lock for me – the mind is working faster than my mouth and the two lock up. I’m not good at BSing while I think of something else to say. And there’s nothing wrong with taking a nanosecond or two to collect one’s thoughts before continuing. Silence is golden! Don’t be afraid of silence. If all else fails, I might say, “Well, nothing is coming to mind at the moment…” or “Gee, I guess I don’t have much of an opinion on this topic…”, or in our club you’re allowed to do what politicians do and skirt the question: answer another question or talk about another topic you find yourself able to wax on about instead of the TT question given to you! What the hey? Why not? Jody Iona Palm

A number of Toastmasters in my group always begin by saying “Thank you Table Topics Master for asking me” and repeating the question. This both creates a decent introduction and gives them time to think of something to say. And remember, too: You neither have to answer the question directly nor tell the truth, so you always have any direction to take your response. Kae Bender

To be continued…

Clean Jokes for Toastmasters

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Use one of these jokes at your next meeting.

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An IT professional was playing a round of golf. Suddenly his ball sliced and landed in a shallow pond. As he was attempting to retrieve the ball he discovered a frog who, to his great surprise, started to speak! “Kiss me, and I will change into a beautiful princess, and I will be yours for a week.”

He picked up the frog and placed it in his pocket. As he continued to play golf, the frog repeated its message. “Kiss me, and I will change into a beautiful princess, and I will be yours for a whole month!”

The man continued to play his golf game and once again the frog spoke out. “Kiss me, and I will change into a beautiful princess, and I will be yours for a whole year!”

Finally, the guy turned to the frog and exclaimed, “As an IT professional, I’d rather have a talking frog!”

Source: Creekside TD Toastmasters

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An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death’s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. “Stay out of those, she said, they’re for the funeral!”

Source: Creekside TD Toastmasters


Clean Jokes for Toastmasters

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Use one of these jokes at your next meeting.

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When my husband got pulled over by a policeman on a trip in Switzerland, he wondered what the trouble was.

“Didn’t you notice the flash from the speed-control camera?” asked the officer.

“Ah, that’s what it was,” said my husband, unaccustomed to this technology. “I thought it was a lightning strike.”

“Well,” said the officer before handing him a ticket with a hefty fine. “Here comes the thunder.”

Source: Ursula Helfer, Reader’s Digest

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As a woman entered the elevator at a hospital, a disheveled-looking man rushed in, carrying a blue baby bootie filled with carnations.

She smiled and asked, “Does he look like you?”

“I hope not,” he said. “I just deliver the flowers.”

Source: Reader’s Digest

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When the waitress at an upscale restaurant brought a patron the soup of the day, he was dismayed. “Good heavens,” he said. “What is this?”

“Why it’s bean soup,” she replied.

“I don’t care where it has been,” he sputtered. “What is it now?”

Source: Reader’s Digest

Table Topics for Valentine’s Day

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During the Table Topics segment of today’s meeting, I decided to steer away from the conventional questions: What is your most memorable Valentine’s Day? What are your plans for the weekend? Instead, I asked my fellow toastmasters to comment on the following interesting facts and statistics.

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In South Korea and Japan, women give candy to men on Valentine’s Day. What type of candy would you like to give or receive?

Nine million people purchase Valentine’s Day presents for their pets. What type of gift would you give a pet (yours or a special friend’s)?

According to a recent survey, 32% of consumers plan to do their Valentine’s Day shopping online. Would you shop online for that special gift?

Colleagues don’t get much love: In 2013, consumers spent an average of $3.41 on co-workers. Should colleagues exchange gifts and cards on Valentine’s Day?

Some of the top romantic comedies of all time are “Annie Hall,” “The Philadelphia Story,” “Pretty Woman,” “When Harry Met Sally,” and “Sleepless in Seattle.” What is your favorite romantic comedy?

In 2013, 34.3 percent of Valentine’s Day gifts were flowers. What type of flowers would you like to give or receive?

In 2015, two popular Valentine’s Day gifts were enrollment in Chocolate of the Month Club and Wine of the Month Club. Would you prefer receiving one pound of specialty chocolates or two bottles of premium wine each month for an entire year?

Some of the top love songs of all time are “I Will Always Love You” by Whitney Houston, “Silly Love Songs” by Wings, “Endless Love” by Diana Ross, and “How Deep is Your Love?” by the BeeGees. What is your favorite love song?

In 2015, dinner cruises, helicopter rides and tandem skydiving were popular gifts. What type of “experience” gift would you like to give or receive?

Clean Jokes for Toastmasters

12346918_s

Use one of these jokes at your next meeting.

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A child asked his father, “How were people born?”

His father answered, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”

The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”

His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”

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A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”

“I give it to them,” replies the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”

The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.

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A dentist told a mother, “I’m sorry madam, but I’ll have to charge you $100 for pulling your boy’s tooth.”

The mother exclaimed, “$100! You said it was only $20!”

“Yes,” replied the dentist, “but he yelled so loudly that he scared four other patients out of the office!”

Tackling Table Topics

toastmastersDuring the Table Topics session of each meeting, I take note of all well-crafted responses. While most toastmasters use personal anecdotes relevant to the topic, others like to start with a quotation that touches on the theme.

I enjoy reading and collecting inspirational quotations, but I don’t think I could come up with the most appropriate one in the space of forty to sixty seconds. And truthfully, I don’t want to waste precious seconds trying to recall a specific quotation.

When I expressed this concern to several seasoned toastmasters, they advised me to memorize a few short, all-purpose quotations that could be used to begin almost any impromptu topic. And not to worry about the author’s name. Simply start with “This reminds me of my favorite quotation…”

My list

Try to be a rainbow in someone’s cloud. Maya Angelou

Be the change that you wish to see in the world. Mahatma Gandhi

Don’t wait. The time will never be just right. Napoleon Hill

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt

Tough times never last, but tough people do. Dr. Robert Schuller

Change your thoughts and you change your world. Norman Vincent Peale

Keep your face to the sunshine and you can never see the shadow. Helen Keller

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Wayne Gretzky

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone. Neale Donald Walsch

Don’t follow the crowd, let the crowd follow you. Margaret Thatcher

Do you have a favorite quotation? Please share…