Clean Jokes for Toastmasters

12346918_s

Use one of these jokes at your next meeting.

*********************

When my husband got pulled over by a policeman on a trip in Switzerland, he wondered what the trouble was.

“Didn’t you notice the flash from the speed-control camera?” asked the officer.

“Ah, that’s what it was,” said my husband, unaccustomed to this technology. “I thought it was a lightning strike.”

“Well,” said the officer before handing him a ticket with a hefty fine. “Here comes the thunder.”

Source: Ursula Helfer, Reader’s Digest

*********************

As a woman entered the elevator at a hospital, a disheveled-looking man rushed in, carrying a blue baby bootie filled with carnations.

She smiled and asked, “Does he look like you?”

“I hope not,” he said. “I just deliver the flowers.”

Source: Reader’s Digest

*********************

When the waitress at an upscale restaurant brought a patron the soup of the day, he was dismayed. “Good heavens,” he said. “What is this?”

“Why it’s bean soup,” she replied.

“I don’t care where it has been,” he sputtered. “What is it now?”

Source: Reader’s Digest

Clean Jokes for Toastmasters

12346918_s

Use one of these jokes at your next meeting.

A child asked his father, “How were people born?”

His father answered, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”

The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”

His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”

A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”

“I give it to them,” replies the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”

The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.

A dentist told a mother, “I’m sorry madam, but I’ll have to charge you $100 for pulling your boy’s tooth.”

The mother exclaimed, “$100! You said it was only $20!”

“Yes,” replied the dentist, “but he yelled so loudly that he scared four other patients out of the office!”

Clean Jokes for Toastmasters

12346918_s

Use one of these jokes at your next meeting.

*********************

A doctor was taking her four-year-old to preschool. The doctor’s stethoscope was on the car seat and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

“Be still, my heart,” thought the physician, “my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!”

Then the child spoke into the instrument: “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?”

*********************

Danny had recently passed his driving test and decided to ask his father if there was any chance of him getting a car for his birthday.

“Okay,” said his father. “I’ll tell you what I’ll do. If you can get your grades up to A’s and B’s, study your Bible, and get your hair cut, I’ll consider the matter very seriously.”

A couple of weeks later, Danny went back to his father who said, “I’m really impressed by your commitment to your studies. Your grades are excellent and the work you’ve put into your Bible studies is very encouraging. However, I have to say I’m very disappointed that you haven’t had your hair cut yet.”

Danny quickly responded, “While studying the Bible, I noticed that Moses, John the Baptist, Samson, and even Jesus had long hair.”

“I’m aware of that,” replied his father, “but did you also notice they walked wherever they went?”

Source: St. Joseph’s Church bulletin

*********************

My husband and I were standing in line at the ATM in Lucca, a small town in Italy. History, music, religion, and art surrounded us, including ramparts, a statue of the composer Giacomo Puccini, and a beautiful cathedral.

Ahead of us, two tourists were chatting, “You can always tell we’re near civilization,” said one to the other, “when there’s a bank machine close by.”

Source: Violet Hughes, Reader’s Digest

Celebrating La Befana

befanaGrowing up, we celebrated the feast of the Epiphany with a special meal and treats. While my brothers and I attached more significance to Christmas Day, my mother considered January 6th to be the Italian Christmas. She would regale us with tales of la Befana, the friendly witch who delivered gifts to good children and lumps of coal to the bad ones.

While I’ve heard many variations of this tale, I prefer my mother’s version.

The Magi stopped at la Befana’s house on their way to visit Baby Jesus. The gracious hostess treated them to a meal and offered them shelter for the night. She also gave them directions. Touched by her hospitality, the three kings invited her to accompany them on their journey, but she declined. She had too much housework. After they left, she changed her mind and decided to join them. She packed up some toys for the newborn child and set off on the journey. She never caught up to them. Disappointed but practical, she decided to share her bounty of toys. To this day, she delivers her gifts to Italian children on the night before the Epiphany.

Does anyone else celebrate the feast of the Epiphany? I would love to hear about your traditions.

HAPPY BEFANA!

Clean Jokes for Toastmasters

12346918_s

Use one of these jokes at your next meeting.

*********************

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a newly graduated engineer the following question: “And what starting salary are you looking for?”

The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The HR Officer asks, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”

The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

The HR Officer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”

*********************

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and doing anything else he could think of to clean up the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally John had had enough. In exasperation one day, he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. He shook his fist at the parrot, but the parrot just got angrier and even ruder.

In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arm and said: “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued: “May I ask what the chicken did?”

Source: http://www.auroratoastmasters.com/jokes.html

Clean Jokes for Toastmasters

12346918_s

Use one of these jokes at your next meeting.

*********************

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee, and slapped him on the back of his head. “I found a piece of paper in your pant’s pocket with a woman’s name written on it,” she said. “You had better have an explanation.”

“Calm down, honey” said the man. “Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on.”

The next morning, his wife smacked him again.

“What was that for?” asked the angry husband.

“Your dog called last night” she said.

Source: http://www.auroratoastmasters.com/jokes.html

*********************

A man turned to his seatmate on a flight and asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”

“Yes,” she said. “But I wasn’t willing to pay.”

Source: Reader’s Digest

*********************

A man went to the police station and asked to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the desk sergeant.

“No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

Source: http://creeksidetd.toastmastersclubs.org/Joke_of_the_Day.html

Proud (when I’m not freaking out about it) “Writer”

I am happy to spotlight Soul Mate author Crystal Firsdon. Enjoy her unique take on writer vs “writer” and learn more about her recent release, Almost Wrecked.

Here’s Crystal!

crystalfWith the publication of my debut novel, Almost Wrecked, I can finally call myself a “Writer”. Not a Writer, a “Writer”.

What’s the difference, you ask?

A Writer is someone who meant to become a Writer. These people probably knew early on that writing would always be a part of their life. Poetry, non-fiction, literary fiction, fan-fiction, smut, whatever. They’ve always loved to write, kept at it, honed their craft, and it shows. Most are not fortunate to be able to quit their day jobs, but writing is always their other career. Not much gets in the way of these people writing.

A “Writer” is someone who tripped over something—probably their own feet as they absently spun stories in their head—and fell face first into their keyboard. Their noses plunked out letters onto the screen, and whaddayaknow . . . sentences appeared. They decided to run with it. They’d get stuck sometimes, and bang their heads on their keyboards, wondering why they were torturing themselves. Lucky for them, their foreheads were just as talented as their noses; more sentences appeared for them to run with. Time passes, they open their laptops one day, and type the final words of an entire novel.

“Writers” aren’t untalented, we’re just less self-assured in our work than Writers. We let our lower confidence, and lots of other stuff, get in the way of finishing the sequel or whatever story we started next. Many of us are formally educated, though not in the writing craft, and have or had professional careers. We hope to turn into Writers one day, but for now are content to jump up and down squealing/ hyperventilating at the thought that we have our work out in the world.

I’d love to take a poll and see what there’s more of—Writers or “Writers”. If you write for the purpose of others reading your work, let us know in the comments section which type of writer you are!

almostwrecked

Blurb

1 creep. 2 bodyguards. 3 men who change Molly’s life forever.

Guitar player Molly Davis is taunted with disturbing gifts by some creep she hopes like heck is a harmless, misguided fan. The owner of the bar where her band plays isn’t taking any chances, however, and hires Gabe Cooper and Caleb “Ram” Ramsey to stand guard over Molly and the rest of the band.

Cooper is all business and doesn’t mess with Molly’s emotions. She can handle that. Ram is a different story. He’s gorgeous, has a good heart, and is sometimes infuriating. He doesn’t take Molly’s crap, giving him the potential to be the first man to shove his way through her stubbornness and into her life.

But a violent attack proves the creep isn’t going away. And that almost wrecks everything.

Bio

Crystal Firsdon is a former high school teacher turned stay-at-home mom turned part time substitute teacher and school volunteer. As often as possible she gathers the stories spinning continual loops in her head and twists and turns them every which way, eventually typing them into Times New Roman 12 point font.

Of course Crystal loves to read, but any book she picks up must have romance! A long and (usually) steady background in physical fitness means she will include exercise in all her heroines’ lives, though she admittedly finds it difficult to stay in shape while sitting behind a keyboard as often as she does. Crystal lives in Michigan with her husband and children.

Where to find Crystal…

Website | Amazon