Category Archives: Humor
Fun Friday
Sunday Humor
Thanks to Andy Behnan for sharing…
After getting all of Pope Francis’s luggage loaded into the limo at the airport, (he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
‘Excuse me, Your Holiness,’ says the driver, ‘Would you please take your seat so we can leave?’
‘Well, to tell you the truth,’ says the Pope, ‘they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive today.’
‘I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! What if something should happen?’ protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.
‘Who’s going to tell?’ asks the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kmh. (Remember, the Pope is Argentinian, and Fangio the famous racer was Argentinian)
‘Please slow down, Your Holiness,’ pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
‘Oh, dear God, I’m going to lose my license — and my job!’ moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches; but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
‘I need to talk to the Chief,’ he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going 205 kph.
‘So bust him,’ says the Chief.
‘I don’t think we want to do that. He’s really important,’ says the cop.
The Chief exclaims, ‘All the more reason!’
‘No, I mean really important,’ says the cop.
The Chief then asks, ‘Who do you have there, the mayor?’
Cop: ‘Bigger.’
Chief: ‘A senator?’
Cop: ‘Bigger.’
Chief: ‘The President?’
Cop: ‘Bigger.’
‘Well,’ says the Chief, ‘Who is it?’
Cop: ‘I think it’s God!’
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, ‘What makes you think it’s God?’
Cop: ‘His chauffeur is the Pope!’
Fun Friday
Fun Friday
Clean Jokes for Toastmasters
Use one of these jokes at your next meeting.
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The loaded mini-van pulled into the remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.
A nearby camper marveled to the father, “That’s is some display of teamwork.”
The father replied, “I have a system – no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up.”
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As a senior citizen drove down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him: “Vernon, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be careful!”
“Hell,” Vernon said. “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”
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A little boy attended his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked, “How many women can a man marry?”
“Sixteen,” the boy responded.
Amazed by the quick response, his cousin asked, “How do you know that?”
“Easy,” the little boy said, “All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”
Mermaid Humor
If You Have an Angry Moment (or two)…
Whenever I’m feeling a bit stressed or overwhelmed with circumstances beyond my control, I recall the following Zen parable.
You are at the grand opening of a new shopping mall on the edge of town. You’ve been driving around looking for a parking space for ten minutes. At last, right in front of you, a car pulls out of a spot. You hit your turn signal and wait as the car backs out. Suddenly, from the other direction, comes a Jeep that pulls into the space. Not only that, but when you honk, the driver gets out, smirks, and gives you the finger.
Are you angry?
Now change the scene ever so slightly. Instead of a brash Jeep driver, a cow walks into the space from the other direction and settles down in the middle of it. When you honk, she looks up and moos but doesn’t budge.
Are you angry?
Source: The Cow in the Parking Lot: A Zen Approach to Overcoming Anger by Leonard Scheff and Susan Edmiston (Amazon link)
Mermaid Humor
While fishing, three men catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish.
The first man shakes his head and says, “Okay, if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ.”
The mermaid says, “Done.”
Suddenly, the man starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly.
The second man is so amazed, he says to the mermaid, “Triple my IQ.”
The mermaid says, “Done.”
The man starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping the scientists.
Impressed, the third man decides to one-up his friends. “Quintuple my IQ.”
The mermaid looks at him and says, “You know, I don’t usually try to change people’s minds when they make a wish, but I really wish that you would reconsider.”
The man is adamant. “No, I want you to increase my IQ times five, and if you don’t do it, I won’t set you free.”
“Please,” says the mermaid, “You don’t understand what you’re asking, it will change your entire view on the universe. Won’t you ask for something else….a million dollars, anything?”
But no matter what the mermaid said, the third man insisted on having his IQ increased by five times its usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said, “Done.”
And the third man is transformed into a woman.
Clean Jokes for Toastmasters
Use one of these jokes at your next meeting.
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A couple walked into a dentist’s office. The man said, “Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry. I have my buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to play golf, so forget about the anesthetic. I don’t have time for the gums to get numb. Just pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10 a.m. tee time at the best course in town and it’s already 9:30. I don’t have time for the anesthetic to work.”
The dentist wondered about this brave man who wanted to have his tooth pulled without anytime to kill the pain. He asked, “Which tooth is it?”
The man turned to his wife. “Open your mouth and show him.”
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A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. He called out: “Mama, look what I found.”
“What have you got there, dear?”
With astonishment in his voice, the boy answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”
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A Scottish mother visits her son in his New York City apartment and asks, “How do you find the Americans, Donald?”
“Mother,” says Donald, “they’re such noisy people. One neighbor won’t stop banging his head against the wall while the other screams all night long.”
“Oh, Donald! How do you put up with them?”
“What can I do? I just lie in bed quietly, playing my bagpipes.”
Joanne Guidoccio 