What is the Difference Between Making Love to Someone and Making love with Them?

I’m happy to welcome Wild Rose Press author Chrys Fey. Today, Chrys shares an intriguing post about making love and her new release, A Fighting Chance.

Here’s Chrys!

In A Fighting Chance, there’s a moment when Amanda talks about a romance book she read a long time. In that story, the hero told the heroine that he wouldn’t make love to her but rather with her. I took that from my real life. When I was a young teen, I was reading a romance and came across those lines spoken by the sexy hero to the beautiful heroine. (Don’t ask me what the title was, because I don’t remember. I couldn’t even tell you the author’s name, although I could guess a few authors I’d been reading at that time.) And those words, that emphasis struck me. In a good way. Yeah, I thought, there is a difference between making love to someone and making love with someone.

The wording “make love to someone,” which is the common phrasing known by many, sounds as though the other person is not a participant, that the person showing love and doing acts of love is the only one engaging. It sounds as though the receiver is doing just that…receiving and not giving. Maybe even being forced to receive when they don’t want to.

On the other hand, “make love with someone,” sounds as though both individuals are active participants, because you are doing this WITH another person, not TO another person. It’s like these phrasing: watch a movie with you, have dinner with you, play a board game with you. In all of those scenarios, you are doing something WITH a loved one. That’s why “make love with someone” is a beautiful and inclusive, accurate phrase for what is transpiring. You both are showing love and doing acts of love. You both are giving, as well as receiving.

Now, whenever I’m writing and have to talk about my characters making love for the first time, I always word it as “make love with.”

Read them slowly:

Make love to you.

Make love with you.

Can you see the difference now? 😊


*A FIGHTING CHANCE is Book 6 in the Disaster Crimes series, but it’s a spin-off featuring a new couple, so it can be read as a standalone.*

Thorn has loved Amanda from afar, giving her whatever she needs as a survivor of abuse—space, protection, and stability. He yearns to give her more, though, to share his feelings, kiss her, love her, but he’s worried the truth will frighten her away.

And Amanda is afraid. She’s scared of her attraction for Thorn. Most of all, she’s terrified of her ex-boyfriend, who is lurking nearby where no one can find him. When she grows closer to Thorn, Damon retaliates, jeopardizing their happy ending.

Up against an abusive ex and Mother Nature, do Thorn and Amanda have a fighting chance?

Book Links

Amazon / Barnes & Noble / Kobo / iTunes


Amanda looked up from the current list of up-to-date payments for classes. A movement outside the glass storefront caught her eye. She tilted her head to see a man coming up the sidewalk from the side where the picnic bench sat. Through the vertical blinds, she glimpsed a square face—a short, rugged beard and long, dark hair pulled into a man bun. Her breath fled from her lungs. Her body went from icy cold to flaming hot in the span of a millisecond. She dropped to the floor and slid under the counter, beneath the ledge where they put their purses and cell phones.

“What—” Beth peeked at the windows. Then she snapped her fingers at April and pointed at the stools.

April jumped into action. She pushed the stools in so they blocked Amanda. The bell attached to the door jingled as April removed the jacket she wore and draped it across the stools, creating a curtain to shield Amanda.

From a crack, Amanda watched Beth move to stand in front of the twins, who were in their walkers playing peacefully. “I’m sorry, but we’re going to be closing.”

“I don’t give a shit. I’m here for Amanda.”

The sound of Damon’s voice had her heart beating even harder. That voice had haunted her nightmares, had come back to life in her memories.
Beth cocked her head to the side. “Who? There’s no one by that name here.”

“Don’t bullshit me. I know she works here.”

His voice was closer now.

Book Links

Amazon / Barnes & Noble / Kobo / iTunes

Author’s Note: I wrote The Disaster Curse to answer a few lingering questions readers may have after reading A Fighting Chance, and to tie the whole series together with a neat, shiny, perfect little bow. Plus, there was one disaster that I hadn’t written about yet. *wink*

The Disaster Crimes Series:

*The Crime Before the Storm (prequel)
Hurricane Crimes (novella, #1)
Seismic Crimes (#2)
Lightning Crimes (free short, #2.5)
Tsunami Crimes (#3)
Flaming Crimes (#4)
Frozen Crimes (#5)
A Fighting Chance (spin-off, #6)
The Disaster Curse (short story, #7)

*Free exclusive story to newsletter subscribers.


TheFightingChance.org is a website dedicated to domestic violence and sexual assault awareness. Inspired by the Disaster Crimes series.


Prizes: Hurricane Crimes (Disaster Crimes 1) and Seismic Crimes (Disaster Crimes 2) eBooks (mobi or epub), Hurricane Crimes Playing Cards, Girl Boss Sign, and a Volcanic Blast Scented Candle

Enter here.

About the Author

Chrys Fey is author of the Disaster Crimes Series, a unique concept that blends disasters, crimes, and romance. She runs the Insecure Writer’s Support Group Book Club on Goodreads and edits for Dancing Lemur Press.

Website | Blog | Goodreads | Facebook | Twitter | Amazon


8 responses to “What is the Difference Between Making Love to Someone and Making love with Them?

  1. Oh, yes! The difference between “to” and “with” is huge. Well said, Chrys, and good luck with your book!

  2. You give us food for thought, Chrys. We’ve been programmed to use to instead of with, but what you say makes sense. I wish you a ton of luck with A FIGHTING CHANCE and the entire series.

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