Clean Jokes for Toastmasters

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When called upon to be Joke Master, do not feel pressured to find the funniest joke ever told. Nor should you feel the need to deliver a joke so perfectly that the other members are rolling on the floor with laughter. Instead, have fun with this meeting role and select the most appropriate joke for your group.

Consider using one of the following jokes.

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 A murder suspect’s trial wasn’t going well, so his lawyer resorted to a trick. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,” he said. “I have a surprise for you. In one minute, the real murderer will walk into this court room.”

The jurors looked toward the door, but nothing happened.

The lawyer chuckled. “I lied. But because you all looked with anticipation, that proves there is reasonable doubt as to my client’s guilt. So, I insist that you find him not guilty.”

The jury retired to deliberate and then returned a verdict of guilty.

“But there must have been some doubt,” bellowed the lawyer. “You all stared at the door.”

“Oh, we looked,” said the jury foreman. “But your client didn’t.”

Source: Readers Digest

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 Two little boys were best friends at church, but they both had a reputation for getting into trouble. One Sunday, one of the boys was sick and stayed home. The other boy went to church and was twice as bad as normal.

After church, the pastor grabbed him and asked in an angry voice, “Where’s God?”

The little boy was frightened and didn’t know what to say.

The pastor continued, “I want you to go home and think about it. I don’t want you to come back until you can tell me where God is.”

The boy went home and called his sick friend on the telephone. “Guess what,” he said. “They’ve lost God, and they’re trying to blame that one on us, too.”

Source: God Jokes

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Thirteen-year-old Janice decided to share the good news with her parents. “My cell phone provider thinks that I’m an amazing customer.”

“How do you know that?” her father asked.

“Because they told me I have an outstanding balance.”

Source: Readers Digest

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2 responses to “Clean Jokes for Toastmasters

  1. You can NEVER have too many jokes. This is my favourite:
    The Cleveland Symphony Orchestra was rehearsing Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony. There is an extensive section where the bass players don’t play for twenty minutes of so. One of them decided that, rather than stand around on stage looking bored and stupid, they’d all just file offstage during their tacit-time and hang out backstage, then return when they were about to play. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

    On the night of the performance, the bass players filed off as planned. The last one had barely left the stage when the leader suggested, “Hey we’ve got twenty minutes, let’s fun across the street to the bar for a few!”

    This idea was met with great approval, so off they went, tuxedos and all, to loosen up. Fifteen minutes and a few rounds later, one of the bass players said, “Shouldn’t we be heading back? It’s almost time.”

    But the leader announced, “Oh don’t worry, we’ll have some extra time – I played a little joke on the conductor. Before the performance started, I tied string around each page of his score so that he’d have to untie each page to turn it. The piece will drag on a bit. We’ve got time for another round!”

    So another round they did, and finally – sloshed and staggering – they made their way back across the street to finish Ludwig’s 9th.

    Upon entering the stage, they immediately noticed the conductor’s haggard, drawn and livid expression.

    “Gee,” one player queried, “Why do you suppose he looks so tense?”

    “You’d be tense, too,” laughed the leader. “It’s the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied and the basses are loaded.”
    Is that not brilliant?
    Please feel free to visit a fellow Toastmaster’s blog anytime.
    http://www.ayearinthelifeofatoastmaster.com

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